This question has perplexed me for quite some time. I have had many different opinions on this topic. When I was growning up I was a tomboy and had many guy friends. I communicate with men more effectively. I admire their directness and enjoy their company. But as I grew up and came into my own so to speak I realized:
Men and Women- Can’t Be Friends.
Now before you get on your soapbox and start throwing dove bars at me, hear me out. When I think of true friendship I think of no boundaries. You can do anything, say anything and be exactly who you are. Of course you will have your ups and downs, but for the most part your friendship runs deep and it is beneficial to you both.
Think about it: At our most primal level our goal in life is to mate. We are designed to go forth find someone we are compatible with and make sweet love. Friendship is some ways is defying our natural instinct to mate.
Consider This Ladies:
Any man who is friends with you has thought about having sex with you- at least once- most likely more.
As soon as a man meets you he thinks if you would be good in bed. At some point he gets to know you and he assesses the situation to see if you guys would be good together in a relationship (FWB or a real relationship).
If you are taken or the circumstances are not right, then he becomes friends with you. He listens to your story about your purse, he listens about your new cute sweater and how you wish you were 10 lbs lighter. Guess what? He doesn’t give a shit. In reality he is a sitting duck of sorts waiting for the right time to quack. All ducks are designed to quack and eventually will. Some guys actually will never take the opportunity to quack, for fear of rejection, but they are still thinking about quacking.
Another thing to consider: Men trade up in friendships. Men generally have attractive girls as friends. They usually don’t have hippos walking beside them, for heavens sake they have a reputation to uphold. So if you a friends with a guy consider yourself attractive.
Consider This Gentlemen:
Almost all women are friends with men they find less attractive. They are in the infamous ‘Buddy Zone” which is nearly impossible to get out of. When a girl meets a potential mate or friend she does a couple of things:
1) She sticks her first name with his last name to see if there is a good match for potential marriage.
2) She gives him a head to toe shee if he is physically attractive and most importantly:
If he looks like he can protect her.
3) And if she hasn’t made up her mind what category she is going to put you in Sexy Man or Buddy, then she dissects everything that comes out of your mouth. That’s right we listen, closely. So men- don’t be idiots. It’s more important than you know to say the right things. Oh good luck finding what those are. Women are evil what can I say?
Men- if a women says she just wants to be friends that means “I don’t want to have sex with you, ever.” I guess the once exception to that would be if she really wants to have sex with you, but she’s testing to see if you will respect her boundaries. Either way pretend like you don’t care- you’ll be fine.
True Friendship- I think NOT, Well Maybe:
No matter how hard you try there will always be tension between the sexes. Why do you think that girls have gay best friends? Because they can enjoy true friendship without the threat of sexual tension. So it’s not the fact that men and women can’t be friends, it’s the fact that heterosexual men and women cannot be friends. When you remove the tension there is a chance for true connection.
Are There Exceptions?
It has been pointed out to me that there are possible exceptions. I’ve listed a few:
1) Childhood Friends: Why does it work? You met before attraction was part of the equation, they might as well be your brothers/sisters. I have 2 guys friends from childhood that I consider true friends, but I have never been attracted to them and there is no tension between us.
2) Couple Friends: When you are in a relationship you will quickly find you start making ‘couple’ friends. You go out on double dates and spend your time with others that are in the same stage in life as you are. My problem with couple friends is that it’s not true friendship. You have to stay in the confines rules. Ex: Let’s say I’m dating a guy named Ted. We are friends with Jack and Jill. It would not be appropriate if I became closer friends with Jack. It would not be ok if I just hung out with Jack. Maybe I could get away with lunch, but definitely not dinner. The closer I become with any guy friend while in a relationship is going to drive a larger wedge in my relationship “Why do you need to go outside the relationship, what am I not giving you?” You might start hearing that over and over again. Then mix in jealousy and resentment and your innocent friendship has caused a true mess.
3) You Are Older Than Shit: I wish I could see your face right now, lol. But there is some truth to the fact that the older you get the easier it is to be friends with the opposite sex. Why? Well attraction becomes less of an integral part of your life. You can enjoy the other person’s company more and become good friends. The majority of people I polled for this blog who believed that it was possible to be friends were over 55. But for myself, being in my 20s and my ‘guy friends’ being around the same age you can understand why its hard not to keep our hands off each other. We are young, we have hormones and let’s face it we want to have sex. Friendship just makes things more complicated.
Final Thoughts:
So what have we learned here? My basic theory is that men and women cannot become true friends because of the principle of attraction. If you remove attraction- i.e. gay friends, childhood friends or you are to older than shit, then true friendship is possible. By all means you can try to be friends with the opposite sex, i.e. couple friends- but you will only reach a superficial level of friendship because you have to obey the unwritten rules. They are there for a reason- people cheat. The more you try to break the rules and become closer friends, the more your relationship is ultimately going to suffer.
So there is my thoughts- as of now. Good luck to your endeavors of men/women friendships! If you disagree in the slightest please comment, rip me a new one if you like. I’d love your feedback.
~Layla
