Tag Archives: Advice

The Holidays Suck:

This is not a light hearted post. This is not to get you in the Christmas cheer. This one is for me.

The Holidays Suck

Sure my life is great, I have a lot to be grateful for. A distant voice reprimands: “There are starving kids in Africa!”

The Holidays Suck

So instead of investing in a drug addiction, I’ll write my thoughts/fears. Mostly complain and possibly come up with some sort of point. No promises.

The Holidays Suck

For those who don’t know, I’m divorced. Yes, that’s right, I’m 25 and divorced. The part doesn’t really bother me. It was a blessing in disguise and given the opportunity, I’d do it all again. But during the holidays I miss that feeling of community of a real relationship. No just any relationship, I miss THAT relationship. I don’t miss the fighting, I don’t miss the despair. But I miss going home, giving the person I love a hug and knowing that person knows me better than anyone in the world. I can just relax. I don’t have to fake it, put on a show or even pretend to be interesting. They already know all my stories, they know how they end. There is such comfort in someone knowing who you really are. That skill takes time and not something I’ve been interested in developing with anyone else up to this point.

The Holidays Suck

Does it help I’ve been listening to Dave Matthews Band and Coldplay all day? No. At least I didn’t break out the chic flicks. I spared myself from chocolate and crying. I find some sort of dignity in that, I take what I can. So here I am alone, depressed, yet in a relationship. I’ve never felt so alone as to date someone serving overseas in the military. We met at an airport in September. He was handsome. He was shipping off to Afghanistan. We became pen pals. He’s supposed to visit in February. I’m not sure if that is still going to happen. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t there. No hugs, no kisses, no leaving the toothpaste cap off.

The Holidays Suck

So basically I’m melting down. It’s not at Stage 5 (that was last week), I give it a solid 3.5. So how does one sort out all these complex emotions? I have so many layers of emotional garbage that its hard to sift through and find the truth. Let’s explore my mental influences:

1) Missing my ex during the holidays, but remembering that he’s shit balls crazy

2) Missing my current bf, who I haven’t talked to in 3 weeks and I’m not sure where we stand, the last message was rough

3) Having new guys knock on the door reminding me: ‘You’re alone, I’m here, I like to snuggle and I smell good.’

4) Not working out, not eating healthy, not cleaning my house. At least I’m showering, that’s about all you’re getting out of me.

5) Feeling incredibly alone yet surrounded by people who love me.

6) Being broke, really broke.

6) Having the most professional success of my life. Really it’s amazing.

Well the first obvious thing would be to clean my damn house and eat something good. Maybe even go to a kickboxing class. That should get out some aggression.

Next, get grateful. This is the best advice I think. Get grateful, volunteer, you’re day is not that bad when you are feeding the homeless.

What next? I think things will be better when I talk to my bf and figure out where things are. Who knows when that will be, hopefully in the next week. That should provide some kind of closure. Also getting through 12/25/11 will help. Why? Because……

The Holidays Suck

Conclusion: Stop Whining, Get Grateful, Find Closure, Get Healthy.

Thanks for reading,

~Layla

The Holidays Suck

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Beware the 6 types of lousy lovers:

  • by The_Stir, on Fri Oct 28, 2011 6:34am PDT
stopwatch 

I decided a long time ago that I would never, ever stop having sex. Ever. Of course, that all changed when I met my firstlousy lover. Which was followed by my second, third, and, well, you get the idea.I get it, not everyone is born knowing all the tricks, or there wouldn’t be a market for Cosmo‘s recycled sex tips. Through my own experiences, I’ve been able to compile a list of my top six types of lousy lovers.

More from The StirIs Bad Sex Better Than No Sex?

1. The Leg Humper. In high school, I remember dry-humping being the pinnacle of awesomeness. Nights on the couch “watching a movie” ruled. However, once actual penetration was achieved, dry-humping went by the wayside. For good reason. Dry-humping is NOT better than actual sex. Ever.

2. The Minute-Man. Okay, so don’t get all up in arms at me about this one. It happens. It’s flattering … until it’s not. If every time we get naked, it takes me more time to remove my bra than to complete sex, something’s got to give.

More from The StirWhy Bad Sex Doesn’t Ruin Relationships

3. The Jack Rabbit. I’ve (unfortunately) seen rabbits have sex. The look on the female rabbit’s face is always a mixture of shame and embarrassment, like, “How did I GET myself into this situation?” Which neatly sums up what it’s like to have sex with a Jack Rabbit.

4. The Pushy Lover. It really DOES suck when you’re all ready to get down and dirty and your partner decides that they’re not in the mood. Been there. However, begging, pleading, and downright groveling for sex is not only not hot, it’s embarrassing. For both of us.

5. The Lazy Boy. Now, I don’t always need hours of foreplay to get in the mood, but if you just want to be in and out every single time, well, you can be in and out somewhere else.

More from The Stir5 Ways Porn Makes Men Bad in Bed

6. The Selfish One. There’s nothing I like post-sexin’ than to roll over and take a nap. However, if I haven’t actually climaxed and you roll over and go to sleep without a word? It’s time to roll right on over and out of my bed.

What about you? Are there types of lousy lovers I’m missing?

Image via wwarby/Flickr

Written by Aunt Becky on CafeMom’s blog, The Stir.

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Holding Out Sex on the First Date Means Hotter Sex Later On

Posted by Janelle Harris

on October 5, 2011 at 11:48 PM

Sex on first dateIt was your first date, but you kinda knew what it was hittin’ for before the plates and glasses from dinner even had a chance to be cleared off the table. Your chemistry had been crazy the entire evening. Every time you looked up, he was smiling with his eyes and grinning harder than a new Powerball winner.

Because you’re a natural flirt, it was hard not to give him your best vampy, vixen smolder, so eventually you gave up on holding it back and let your body language say the things you’re too ladylike to express out loud. You laughed and joked and played around all the way from the restaurant to the lounge to the car to the plush, queen-sized bed in your room.

Yep, you broke the cardinal rule of all good girl behavior: you got busy on the first date. Legs in the air, hair all over the place, gotta-get-up-to-get-a-glass-of-water kind of sex. Your mother would be so disappointed.

But the morning after. Ah, the morning after. The morning after has a way of recoloring the fun you had the night before with a responsible perspective that you didn’t have when the crown of your head was dangling off the edge of the mattress onto the floor. You cut your eye at the almost-stranger with his greasy head all over your favorite accent pillow, mentally scolding yourself for becoming one of those women you and your girls chastise for giving it up too soon. The crazy part is you actually really like this guy. And now you’re worried that he’ll treat you like a one-hit wonder because, after all, he did already dig all up in your cookie jar. The possibility of him wanting more in the form of a real relationship is a toss-up.

And so begins the morning-after mania of first-date, too-soon, no-commitment, what-the-heck-is-his-last-name-again? sex.

Most guys I’ve heard speak on the subject will say that whether it’s the first date or the fourteenth, bustin’ it up doesn’t have any bearing on whether or not they’ll deal with the girl on a more exclusive level in the future. If he likes her, he likes her regardless and will want to continue seeing her. Apparently, guys don’t sweat the inaugural sexual timeline as much as we do — which really shouldn’t come as much of a surprise since they don’t sweat too much of anything as hard as we do.

So the question actually isn’t whether he’ll respect you the morning after. The question is will you respect yourself?

Sex for most women — not all, but most — is all tangled up with intimacy, emotion, and positive affirmation. TV shows and articles in Cosmo may make casual sex look contemporary chic, the hip thing to do now that we make power moves in the work world and money moves in our finances. According to the liberal-thinking leaders in feminism, we should be able to cleave physical ecstasy from any psychological effects. But only a small percentage of women are actually wired to bedhop without developing some kind of attachment or racking up a whole heap of baggage from adventures in first date sexiness.

Holding out rather than giving in can building anticipation and heighten the electricity that already exists between the two of you. Intimacy can be stampeded in the rush to rip each other’s clothes off, but once you’ve introduced the bump and grind, it’s impossible to go back and work on the natural build of sensuality and flirtation and intimacy — the kind that exists before you see each other butt naked. Once that line is crossed, most men aren’t interested in going back to making out. Seems so tenth grade compared to what you two have already done.

Because most women just aren’t built for hit-and-quit sexual rendezvous, it’s no wonder that a chick who gives it up on Day One would be a little worried about her prospects with a guy who pulled a first round TKO. In fact, research shows that gals in monogamous relationships who’ve had just one partner in the context of a relationship over the course of a year are happier, shinier people than the other segment of the population who are dipping into the community pool of naughtiness on a regular basis. It doesn’t take a long tussle with statistics or compiling facts and figures. It’s called common sense.

Have you ever given it up on the first date? Was it a hit or a could’ve missed?

 

Image via Lite Speed Photography/Flickr

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September RTT Article:

Fresh off the presses, my article about the infamous Chris Payne!

Click HERE to find out more!

More About Reno Tahoe Tonight Magazine:

Reno Tahoe Tonight is the independent alternative. We are bold, uncensored and free. With 96 pages of local color and coverage, no other publication keeps readers in better touch with their peers, their interests and their lifestyles.

People are responding strongly to Reno Tahoe Tonight because it has moxie, is physically gorgeous to look at and celebrates the people, places, hidden treasures and small businesses that make this region one of the most beautiful and creative places in the country. Our features and photo journals, shot by award-winning photographers and industry veteran Jamie Kingham (British Vogue, Marie Claire), reflect the essence of the creative resurgence happening in the Truckee Meadows.

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The 1,690 calorie mac n’ cheeseburger: delicious or disgusting?

By Piper Weiss, Shine Staff, 21 hours ago

(photo: Denny's)

(photo: Denny’s)

Denny’s dastardly minds have done it again. The restaurant chain that fries mozzarella sticks between pieces of bread, have rolled out more gluttonously cheesy menu items.  

The most notable is the Mac n’ Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt: A burger patty layered with slices of cheese, macaroni and cheese, another layer of cheese, some kind of tomato-based “frisco” sauce and two pieces of buttered-up potato bread. Still hungry? It comes with a side of fries. 

The 1,690 calorie count makes a lot more sense when you consider the sandwich is breakfast, lunch and dinner stacked on top of each other. It makes absolutely zero sense when you consider that it’s got 500 more calories than a Carl’s Jr. burger with fries, and large coke. It’s about three times the calories of a KFC Double Down sandwich. And about 200 calories more than five (count ‘em, five) Boston Market Mac and Cheese sides. 

That’s without the super-size cheese option. Seriously, if your melt isn’t ooze-y enough, you can pay Denny’s 69 cents extra for more cheese. A better use of that 69 cents: pay the guy in the next booth to be your sober cheese counselor.

Denny’s joined Burger King and more than a dozen chains on a health initiative recently, offering more veggie and fruit options for kids. Adults? They can go to you know where…by way of the cheese menu. Direct quote from the company’s press release: “With America consuming around 8.8 billion pounds of cheese annually, Denny’s is answering to the appetites of the nation by introducing a dedicated menu that celebrates all things cheesy.” Other items on their new cheese menu include a strawberry cheesecake milkshake and a cheese-filled omelette drizzled in cheese sauce.

But nothing outdoes the cheese pasta/cheeseburger/buttered toast combo, both in calories and in creativity. Be honest, on the gross food scale, does the Mac and Cheese melt look deliciously gross, curiously gross, or just plain gross?

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Dating Dilemma: Is It Okay to Check Your Partner’s Phone?

By StyleCaster, 17 hours ago

 


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One night after a lovely evening my date and I retired home. As we snuggled on the couch chatting his phone rang. He looked at the screen, sent the call to voicemail and placed the phone face down on the table.

I thought about asking who was calling at 2:00 AM but I resisted. Then the phone rang again, and again. I began to laugh and asked if it was his friend who we had seen earlier in the evening. “No,” he answered meekly, “that was Alexa.”

I soon learned this was the girl he had been sleeping with prior to meeting me. And although he did not have interest in sleeping with her again he had since the time we met-once. Awesome.

Here I was naively thinking after forging such a connection, we were exclusive. Not because we had had “the conversation” but because we liked each other. Apparently men can multi-task – just in this one area though.

After a LONG conversation we mended this small rift but from that moment on that phone became my worst enemy. I considered checking it several times. And soon we stopped seeing each other.

To be perfectly honest I have done some things I’m not proud of, by way of checking a partner’s device(s). I became frighteningly good at it. I ended my 7+ year relationship after checking my boyfriend’s phone. That was the very first time I had EVER invaded his privacy and the trauma of what I found made trust my biggest challenge to this day.

So this is my advice when it comes to snooping (take it from someone who has made all the mistakes): trust is THE make-it-or-break-it key to a lasting relationship. Sleuthing about in your partner’s email, voicemail, Skype, IM ect is a clear sign of distrust. Take a look at why you are feeling this way. If necessary speak to your partner about it. It helps. But checking for yourself is a slippery slope of masochism.

One of two things is going to happen:

1) You will be wrong; making yourself look like a total fool and sabotaging the relationship because the person will have every right to call you crazy and dump you. This is not fun – I speak from experience.

2) You will be right. This hurts beyond words. And 9 times out of 10 if you’re looking it’s because you already know what you will find. So before you become culpable for having violated trust ask your partner if they have violated yours. Honesty begets honesty. And the truth always comes to light. Trust your instincts but keep your hands clean.

Think about this one last thing a friend of mine recently told me: “Unconditional love is about freedom. If your partner feels free to love you or love another and they choose you? Well then…you know.”

So TRUST. Trust your worth, trust your partner and trust your relationship. Let them be free and they will always fly home to you.


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10 Signs You’re Borderline Obsessed With Your Crush:

I’m guilty of all 10 of these at some point or another…. but then again I’m not obsessive…. I’m a girl. We are wired that way, right? heh.
By HowAboutWe, on Fri Aug 12, 2011 1:47pm PDT

By Chiara Atik for HowAboutWe.com

1) You find yourself casually clicking over to his or her Facebook page or Twitter account, and then before you know it, you’re at their very first entry and there’s nothing more to read. Because you clicked through the entire thing.

2) You’re happy to talk to anyone about your crush. Like anyone. Like that co-worker you randomly ran an errand with. Like your Grandma’s sister at a Family Reunion. Like the ONE person who happens to be on Gchat when you get a cryptic text that you immediately need help decoding.

Related:10 Things You Shouldn’t Do Until You’re Exclusive

3) You make plans with any mutual acquaintances you may have, in the hope that maybe, just maybe, your crush will come up in casual conversation. And if they don’t, you will bring them up. And sometimes you suffer through long evenings with people you don’t even like that much, just so at the end you can casually let your crush know that you “hung out with [MUTUAL FRIEND] the other night.”

4) You can’t help but thoroughly research anyone who tweets to your crush, or writes on their wall.

5) You give your crush their own separate ringtone, and whenever you hear any tune that is even remotely similar to it, your heart skips a beat.

6) You wouldn’t say you have unrealistic expectations about this relationship, but when pressed, you admit you’ve thought about where you’ll retire, and what activities you’ll do with your eventual grandchildren.

Related: 5 Things Women Say That Make Men Crazy

7) The most played song on your iPod is the one that played at the bar on your first date.

8) You absolutely refuse to make any plans for the weekend UNTIL you’ve made plans with your crush. And if you don’t hear from him or her, you still keep the weekend open, just in case they call.

9) It’s so weird, but, you can relate almost any conversation to one you were just having with your crush! You’re constantly telling your friends what your crush thinks about, oh, anything.

10) In between dates, you find yourself renting movies he/she mentioned, reading their favorite book, idly wikipedia’ing any anecdote they mentioned, and looking up flights to where he/she said they’d most like to go on vacation.

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Women’s Equality Leads to More Sex for Everyone, Study Says:

Next time you hear a man complain about sex, tell him it’s simple — he just needs to ensure that his female counterparts have fulfilling jobs, equal chances for advancement, and receive equal pay for equal work, and his gripes will be answered.

A new study from the American Psychological Association says people have more sex in countries where there is a greater degree of gender equality. The study, conducted in thirty-seven countries using over 300,000 couples, is based on a theory of “sexual economics.” Essentially, it treats sex like currency and breaks it down into supply and demand.

Since men desire sex, on average, more than women do, sex is a more valuable asset for a woman than it is for a man. In other words, a woman can use sex to get ahead in way that men can’t. In a repressive society, sex is a woman’s only asset, and so it becomes “expensive.” However, when she has lots of different ways to get ahead (like going to college or starting a rock band), sex becomes “cheaper.”
As the study’s author says: “If women don’t have many opportunities to make money on their own, they need the value of sex to be as high as possible… When women don’t have other opportunities, sex is the main thing she has to offer.”

It’s a clever — if not exactly sexy — way of looking at global sexual politics. Feminism: it’s win/win for everyone.

This post was written by Ben Reininga for Nerve.com.
Like Nerve on Facebook and follow us on Twitter for exclusive content.

More stories:
Street Style in pictures: Women with very short hair
Advice Column: I’m tired of being a virgin. Can I just have a one-night stand?
Helen Mirren, 66, wins “Body of the Year” contest
Five Problems With the Feminism of Facebook’s New Top Executive

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Dating an Older Man:

By: Christine Hassler

Life coach, Professional Speaker, Author, and Gen Y Expert

Posted: February 19, 2008 07:45 AM

 

Dear Christine,

I started dating a man and we have an amazing connection. We have endless and effortless conversations about the myriad interests we share, he’s hilarious (and he thinks I am too), we share the same values in life, I feel like I can be 100% myself with him.

Here’s the problem. I’m 27. He’s 42. I know he’s not old enough to really be my father, but he’s up there. I had NEVER considered or imagined I would be drawn to someone so much older. But now that I am, I am so torn. Do I turn away what seems to be my perfect match because of the age gap? Let me be clear, I’m not drawn to him because he “fathers me.” I have a great, solid relationship with my dad and have no issues there. It’s really a case of two kindred spirits being separated by a lot of numerical years. If I follow what feels right, am I setting myself up for future failure? Do you think this is a terrible idea? Please help! – Old Soul, 27

Dear Old Soul,

Just the fact that you are presenting this question makes me wonder if you already know the answer. Usually, we don’t question the things we know in our gut to in our best interests. You are concerned that a 15 year age difference may be a “terrible idea” or “setting yourself up for future failure.” Are these irrational concerns, or is this your intuition trying to out-talk your infatuation?

In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He’s had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery. Plus, this is a new relationship and you need to take into account that some of the sparks you feel come from the novelty of it.

You mentioned that you are not trying to live out some father figure fantasy. Okay, but consider this: are you drawn to him because he is so settled in his life while you are still putting the pieces of yours together? I speak from experience. In my twenties, I dated a man who was eleven years my senior and it was great until I realized I was living vicariously through him. I wanted to be where he was in his life – accomplished, more confident, and all the other things that come with additional years on the planet. What I realized is that I was trying to skip over my own twenty-something experience by coat-tailing his life. Sure, we had the same kind of connection you speak about and I really did feel like we were kindred sprits in a lot of ways; however, the unavoidable truth was that we were at very different points of our lives. Dating an older man can be an ego boost since being wanted by someone older makes you feel more mature. I share this with you because I encourage you to ask yourself if some of his appeal lies in the simple fact that he is older.

Furthermore, other than the very obvious reasons, why is a 42-year-old dating a 27-year-old? Has he ever been married or in a serious committed relationship? Think about your needs and growth. Do you want to spread your wings and live the carefree singles life for a while, or are you looking to settle down into the lifestyle that he has spent the past two decades creating?

Since I realize my advice is very one-sided, and I really don’t know anything about you or your love interest, I want to offer you a different perspective. I forwarded your question to Dr. Ava Cadell, Love Guru, Therapist, Author, and founder of Loveology University. Here is what she had to say: “Why are you thinking about problems that don’t exist? Age is just a number, but love, connection, values, compatibility and chemistry are real. And by the way, they are real hard to find in one person, so thank your lucky stars that you have found your soul mate. Celebrate your union and enjoy each moment you spend together. A word of caution though, if you think and anticipate failure, you will surely achieve it!”

I echo her word of caution and circle back to the simple truth that you are having doubts. Some say love is blind and ageless, but a sustainable relationship is built on a lot more than just love alone. It takes a certain amount of compatibility to carry you through the decades ahead. A 15 year age difference is significant. Period. Just think about having children in your thirties, and chasing around toddlers with a man in his late forties. I hear that you are an old soul, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to date someone significantly older to meet your “soul-match.” I say go for a five to seven year age difference.

But bottom-line, you are the only one who really knows if this relationship is a fit. I’m not saying it couldn’t work; I’m just asking you to think beyond the immediate comfort and initial honeymoon phase, evaluate your doubts and the source of those doubts, and ask yourself if this is what you really want. After thinking it through, if you believe he is still your soul match, then don’t let the age gap get in your way. -Christine

Please send me your questions by posting them in the comments section below. You can also email me at christine@huffingtonpost.com

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Men Have It As Tough As Women?

By Marcus Osborne for GalTime.com

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a masochist. Maybe I just like the pain. Honestly, the only protection I’m sporting against the pending avalanche of invectives from the majority of women who’ll read this article is a thicker skin than lesser men. I’m hoping, though, that after you’ve kicked your monitor, called me some unflattering names or requested that I perform an act upon myself guaranteed to garner the attention of yoga instructors and porn movie directors alike, you’ll at least take the time to catch your breath and consider my points.

My acknowledgement first. I’m not a woman, but I know that being a woman is often supremely difficult. Sexism sucks. Being objectified sucks. Being paid less to perform the same job sucks. Having some old codger drop a condescending, “Honey” or “Sweetie” on you is no doubt a pain in the butt. I’ll never know the misery of menstrual cramps or the pain of childbirth. And lord knows that sifting through the army of jerks, players, users, abusers and emotionally unavailable frogs to finally kiss that Prince Charming is hardly a picnic. Being. A woman. Is Hard. But you know what’s just as hard?

Being a guy.

Yep, I said it. Being a man is just as difficult as being a woman. Now don’t get it twisted. I’m not at all saying that there is gender equity in the tribulations they each face. I’m not saying that it’s the same; I’m saying being a man is just as hard.

Related: 7 Burning Questions Guys Want to Ask

This is something that virtually every guy thinks. Most don’t complain about it openly. They know that this is just the way it is and they accept the rules of the game. Additionally, guys can’t really get away with admitting that the pressure of “being a man” weighs on him like a two-ton boulder. Why? Because a man openly acknowledging that the societal heat is getting to him is given the stink-eye.

Guys aren’t allowed to show any weakness. Don’t cry. Only wimps do that. Share your feelings? Pansy. Guys don’t see therapists. Studies show that men have a higher rate of suicide than women. Go figure. Now this isn’t a “poor us” rant. I mean, it is what it is, right? This is just me, a guy, stepping up for the fellas to say that this game is no walk in the park for us either.

Related: Can Women Have Sex Like Men?

In the dating game, guys have to develop thick skins to deal with regular rejection. Women don’t. Men have to pay for dates, women don’t. Husbands have to be providers, women don’t. These seem like trivial things, but mind you, the inability to be anything less than great in any of these areas is akin to walking on nails for a guy. Just as men can never truly know the pressures of being a woman, a woman can never truly appreciate the pressures of being a man.

Again, I’m not trying to say men and women face the same problems, I’m saying they both face very, very real societal stressors that adversely affect them equally. And while the door is open for women to express whatever emotional impact those pressures kindle, guys do not typically enjoy the same open-door policy.

But what do you think? Am I wrong? Am I just being soft? Should guys just “man up” and just deal with it? Or do you think my perspective has any merit at all?

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