This is not a light hearted post. This is not to get you in the Christmas cheer. This one is for me.
The Holidays Suck
Sure my life is great, I have a lot to be grateful for. A distant voice reprimands: “There are starving kids in Africa!”
The Holidays Suck
So instead of investing in a drug addiction, I’ll write my thoughts/fears. Mostly complain and possibly come up with some sort of point. No promises.
The Holidays Suck
For those who don’t know, I’m divorced. Yes, that’s right, I’m 25 and divorced. The part doesn’t really bother me. It was a blessing in disguise and given the opportunity, I’d do it all again. But during the holidays I miss that feeling of community of a real relationship. No just any relationship, I miss THAT relationship. I don’t miss the fighting, I don’t miss the despair. But I miss going home, giving the person I love a hug and knowing that person knows me better than anyone in the world. I can just relax. I don’t have to fake it, put on a show or even pretend to be interesting. They already know all my stories, they know how they end. There is such comfort in someone knowing who you really are. That skill takes time and not something I’ve been interested in developing with anyone else up to this point.
The Holidays Suck
Does it help I’ve been listening to Dave Matthews Band and Coldplay all day? No. At least I didn’t break out the chic flicks. I spared myself from chocolate and crying. I find some sort of dignity in that, I take what I can. So here I am alone, depressed, yet in a relationship. I’ve never felt so alone as to date someone serving overseas in the military. We met at an airport in September. He was handsome. He was shipping off to Afghanistan. We became pen pals. He’s supposed to visit in February. I’m not sure if that is still going to happen. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t there. No hugs, no kisses, no leaving the toothpaste cap off.
The Holidays Suck
So basically I’m melting down. It’s not at Stage 5 (that was last week), I give it a solid 3.5. So how does one sort out all these complex emotions? I have so many layers of emotional garbage that its hard to sift through and find the truth. Let’s explore my mental influences:
1) Missing my ex during the holidays, but remembering that he’s shit balls crazy
2) Missing my current bf, who I haven’t talked to in 3 weeks and I’m not sure where we stand, the last message was rough
3) Having new guys knock on the door reminding me: ‘You’re alone, I’m here, I like to snuggle and I smell good.’
4) Not working out, not eating healthy, not cleaning my house. At least I’m showering, that’s about all you’re getting out of me.
5) Feeling incredibly alone yet surrounded by people who love me.
6) Being broke, really broke.
6) Having the most professional success of my life. Really it’s amazing.
Well the first obvious thing would be to clean my damn house and eat something good. Maybe even go to a kickboxing class. That should get out some aggression.
Next, get grateful. This is the best advice I think. Get grateful, volunteer, you’re day is not that bad when you are feeding the homeless.
What next? I think things will be better when I talk to my bf and figure out where things are. Who knows when that will be, hopefully in the next week. That should provide some kind of closure. Also getting through 12/25/11 will help. Why? Because……
The Holidays Suck
Conclusion: Stop Whining, Get Grateful, Find Closure, Get Healthy.
Thanks for reading,
~Layla
The Holidays Suck
It was your first date, but you kinda knew what it was hittin’ for before the plates and glasses from dinner even had a chance to be cleared off the table. Your chemistry had been crazy the entire evening. Every time you looked up, he was smiling with his eyes and grinning harder than a new Powerball winner.


