I Am Layla James:

Well universe I’m loosing faith in my ability to have positive interpersonal interactions. I have all this energy, a bull in a China shop, so to speak, that people really don’t know how to deal with me.

I mean well, I really do. Why is that not translating? I go out of my way to be nice, say hello, please and thank you, you know manners.

Well apparently thats not being taken into account. This is nothing new to me. As a child I was teased and not well liked. I could never figure out why wouldn’t people listen to me? Well upon further contemplation, I was a bossy cow kid.

I was under the impression that I knew best and everyone should listen to me. A natural born leader at 8 yes old. Turns out no one gave a shit. Hmmmm…. So I was forced to play with the unpopular kid, you know the one with the big glasses and smelled funny. Yeah she was my new BFF. I was less than thrilled.

But from her I learned kindness, she was the only one who would play with me, so I ate some humble pie and played along. Soon we really did become BFF and all was well in the world.

Let’s flash forward to high school – loser. My dreams and aspirations of being popular were long gone as I shuffled through the hallways trying to figure out who I was.

I hung around an eclectic group of misfits: band kids, drama kids, computer hackers and general smart asses like myself. Problem number one, I had a mouth.

In 8th grade I was enraged that our Physics teacher had being doing lbs. to kilo conversions wrong, I kept arguing that he was wrong, but he didn’t believe me. Did I shut up? Hell no. I kept persisting. I almost got thrown out of class, but then he realized he was indeed wrong and said a half hearted sorry. Did I stop? Oooh hell no. By the time I was done persuading I had him formally apologize to the class and me and write on a piece a paper with a signature that he didn’t know what he was talking about. What drives me to do these things? How do I even accomplish these things?

As I look back at some of the shit I pulled off I am both appalled and impressed by my actions. In 5th grade I had a fully militarized 2nd grade class that followed me every where and did what I told them to. WTF? Am I a cult leader waiting to happen? I don’t think so.

I think most of my shenanigans come from being very smart and very bored. Half the time I say stupid shit just to see how people will react. Recently I’ve tried to channel some of my bravado to business aspirations. I’m trying to sell myself as a marketing and social media consultant. Which is not bullshit. I actually do know what I’m talking about. So far I’ve had great response to my business aspirations.

When it has to do with business and networking I am golden. I can schmooze with the best of them. But when it comes down to interpersonal work relationships, I am shit.

I come across totally different than I mean it. I’m not sure exactly how I come off, but recently someone told me ‘I think I’m some hot shot rockstar that likes to hangout with record executives and party too much and not show up to work’.

This is not good PR. If I was Paris Hilton I’d be hitting my demo, but I’m not. I take my work very seriously and I want up be the best. I want to be excellent. I know I’m smart enough to do it, but I really need to bump up those interpersonal skills to get there.

That’s why I’m here. Good ole Barnes n Noble. To find a book to help me out. Where’s the how to communicate with Radio personalities 101 for dummies? Some suggested that I look up 1-minute manager, so I’ll give that a quick read. Hmmmmm…. Any suggestions?

I got a whole lot of potential energy, I just need to find the right turbine to make it into electricity.

I’m off to peruse! Thanks for reading,

~ Layla

Healthy boundaries and mending relationships. What’s that? That’s been my theme for the last 2 months.

I started with my ex-husband. He has found a new faith and is being baptized next month. We have talked actually in person and have healed a lot of wounds. The rest will heal with time.

My memory of him being not so nice is holding me back from truly letting him in again. I think there will always be a wall there, maybe it will fade away, we will see. So one down.

Next ex-bf or ex- FWB, well I guess we never really figured it out. Surprisingly it didn’t work out, haha. While it is tempting physically to go back to that situation, in the long run it’s going to make everything a mess. And right now I’m all about cleaning house. As my mom says, clean home, clear mind. So I’m doing some dusting of my emotional life. So I decided to be cordial with him, no hard feelings, but at a distance.

Lastly my future ex-bf. I know that’s a weird term, but that’s how I think of him. He’s gorgeous, successful and totally a bad idea. Never mind he has a gf and I’m not into sharing (only child syndrome). So while he is an ex-bf waiting to happen, I still can’t shake him. I talked to a good friend about this. He said we all have that one person that makes us putty. If they stomp on our heart we say, please do that again. I don’t know if it’s pheromones or what, but I call it ‘mind crack.’ So I’ve been under the influence for 9 months. That’s a really long time to be strung out on some guy who doesn’t feel the same way.

So that’s the final step of my ‘Cleaning House Campaign’. To say goodbye, I’ll have a chance in September to say my peace, but I’m terrified of confrontation and setting boundaries. Wow this going to be hard. I’m getting nervous just thinking about it.

I just need 5 minutes of clarity to express my thoughts to him. Must resist mind crack. Nancy Reagan spoke the truth ‘Just Say No’.

Image by ryanbmolloy via Flickr

Sometimes I get really worked up over stupid stuff. I think everyone does. But its not just the little stuff for me its what it represents.

Days with out Incident: 0

Days before last incident: 63

I really don’t get angry very often, but when I do, Holy Mother of God you better watch out! I can move mountains with my wrath. And its not a quick fix. Once I’m there to that level, it lingers.

So today I had a partial meltdown over something stupid. I think what is at the root of it is that I need to be respected/listened to/taken seriously. If you do something I specifically asked you not to do, because it upsets me, even if its small/trivia, and you STILL do it, over and over again- I get sent over the edge. One of those ‘It’s the principle of the matter’ kinda things.

What do you get ‘sent over the edge’ about?

What is it about life that makes us go up and down? Lately I’m feeling bi-polar, both being jubilant and depressed all at the same time. How is this possible? Is this a girl thing? We do have more connections between our left and right hemispheres. Can science explain my emotional tornado?

Maybe not. Professionally speaking I’ve never done better. I work at a TV station, a radio station on the weekends and just got invited to write for a magazine as a featured columnist. I would say I’m doing pretty well. I also am branching out (Building the Empire) and started emceeing events and doing voice over work. All in an attempt to bring a little more $$$ my way. (To fund my trip to Belize- hot guys please start applying now to come with me)

But emotionally I’m not myself. Usually speaking I’m very optimistic and cheery. I talk to everyone and find value in deep conversation. It sounds so corny, cliché, but there’s a deep dark hole in my soul that I’m trying to fill. Now some people fill it with alcohol, drugs, find salvation in religion, use others, eat, etc all in an attempt of ending the discomfort. I’m really trying hard not to start a new addiction (gum and pop culture are already way out of control). But in all seriousness when I come home at night and no one is there to share my life with, its completely depressing.

I definitely miss waking up to someone everyday. Enjoying someone else’s company and sharing my life with someone. (Should I get you a tissue? It’s going downhill from here…) Just a side note, this isn’t an invitation for guys to email and try to save me. This is just for me to express what I’m going through. So if you relate let me know. If you want to ask me out on a date- go away. (Trust me I’m not ready to go out there, lol)

I guess I’m having trouble adjusting to the dating life. Being in a relationship for 6 years you learn certain skills, compromise, love, hard work, etc… that don’t apply in the dating life. In the dating life you have to learn to be coy, hard to get, unattached, pretend you don’t care, etc. You have to keep calm while inside going crazy wondering if the other person really likes you or just wants to have sex. And you can’t ask, because if you’ve only been on a few dates, its a little early to start “assessing the relationship”. You’re not even in a relationship- you’re dating. WTF!?!

I am a very honest person. I don’t like playing games…really. (ok maybe a little, but then at some point you have to have a real conversation). Earlier this month a wrote a blog about “The Chase”. (Read it here: http://iamlaylajames.wordpress.com/2011/03/26/the-chase/)

But the chase gets old, quick. Sure I love hot guys chasing after me as much as the next girl…but again there has to be substance there. If you are as shallow as a puddle I get bored quick. I have ADD people…you gotta keep my interest.

And that’s just it. I think about dating/relationships/boys and washboard abs way too much. I always fall for the unavailable ones. Unavailable emotionally, physically, sexually or just plain not interested. Why? Again why do I torture myself? It’s all leading to this deep dark hole in my soul. Right now its like I’m standing at the edge of it peering down and dropping inanimate objects of varying size down the hole to hear how long it takes it go kerplunk!

The Plan:

So anytime in my life when I feel like I’m at a low I always give myself a couple of days to feel completely miserable. I’m sick right now, blogging my heart out, eating Mocha Almond Fudge ice cream listening to country music. I’m in my bathrobe and I’m a poster child for depression.

But eventually I look at myself in the mirror and go “Enough! This is pathetic, pick yourself up and go do something!” I’m going to schedule that epiphany hopefully in the next couple of days. But I always know what helps me get out of a funk:

1) Volunteering: Helping someone who is less fortunate is the a great way to make you feel like you are blessed.

2) Shopping: A more materialistic selfish option, but effective nonetheless. I’ve had to curtail this way due to the fact that I’m actually trying to get ahead financially. Shopping is counterproductive to my mission.

3) Boys: well… they do help.

4) Nature: Possibly the best option for me. Being outside I feel close to God. I feel like I am not the center of the universe, in fact I am an insignificant part of the whole plan. I marvel at its beauty and just feel one with the earth. Its bliss.

So maybe I should take my own advice and try to get out of this funk. I think option #2 and #3 should be put on hold, at least for now. I think they might counterproductive to filling the Giant Ominous Hole in my Soul. (Sounds so dramatic I had to put it in italics)

Well I feel a little bit better, getting that off my chest. I think the ice cream really sealed the deal. Thanks for listening and being a part of my life. I look forward to your thoughts- as always!

Love,

~Layla